I woke up angry this morning. I didn’t know why. I tried to walk it out but it seemed to get the feelings more churned up. I made some hummus - sometimes kitchen adventures alleviate the wild emotional rides. Nope. I made a video with friends - chatted with my beloved - started a cake...it was still there...nudging at my soul...niggling in the corners of my being. Then I stopped...I stopped walking and moving and chatting and cooking. I sat and listened to Mahler, caught up with my breath.
Then I figured it out.
I am lonely.
It’s a new thing for me. I like being alone and rarely do I get deeply lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I get lonely for people. I miss my friends and my family... but this is different. This is artistic loneliness. A loneliness that wants an in-the-space connection.
When I work with actors grappling with playing objectives rather than emotions, I urge them to see beyond the anger. What is that anger hiding? What does the character really want?Ahhh - yes - I want to collaborate with others while in the same space. I want to play with others! That’s what my anger was hiding.
When the shelter-in-place order was shared, artists were reminded that Shakespeare used his “shelter-in-place” time during the plague to write King Lear. (Hmmm...he must have felt some unresolved anger. Yet another avenue into the bard’s classic!) These words of encouragement meant to keep us focused on continuing to create despite hardship. And now - at any time you can stream recorded live performances from theatres around the world. You can be inspired and create from the security and safety of your couch. See art/creativity can survive while maintaining social distance.
So many artist friends are sharing their talents for free or deeply discounted. There are so many forums and applications where people can meet and share and create(?) together. But, for me, it does not replace being in the same space with living, breathing humans hellbent on sharing their voices. I am lonely for that. And in naming that loneliness, I can learn to embrace it and look forward to the time when I can start working with artists in the same space. (Auditions for Grounded will be in May!)
One of my friends called this time a Pause. I like that. Another mentioned that it’s a Reset. Also a respectable phrase. I have tried to keep focused on the projects in place - upcoming auditions and productions waiting in the wings while exploring my other interests - I have spent more time at my sewing machine than I have in years! Now, however, I think my own celerity and determination has gotten in the way of allowing me to either Pause or Reset. For today and whenever I need it. I am going to be gentle to the artist in me that just wants to feel a little sad and a little scared and not get wrapped up in “creating” for the sake of creating. I’m going to respect the artist whose lonely for all the artists I normally get to collaborate with everyday. I know when we are together again, the moments will be all the sweeter.
And for all of you, Create - or don’t. Play - or don’t. Pause. Reset. Do you. Do you responsibly and with reckless abandon. Please know there will be the other side of this. Please know that I will be there waiting to play again.
-Anita Ross